Friday, January 20, 2012

Confessions of a Ex-Model..


Once Upon a Time, 
when I was a teenager I modeled a bit. 
It was fun. It truly brought me out of my shell. 
It was a great experience. 
And it happened completely by accident.
Walking through our local mall with my family someone walked up to my parents and asked if they ever thought of putting me in Modeling. 
She handed my parents all the info they would need and walked on.
I was shy, terrified, and excited by the idea all at the same time.

See I could not understand why she would have thought i was modeling material. Maybe i thought it had something to do with how tall I looked standing between my cute little Puerto Rican parents:) Or could it have
possibly been my dark under eye circles and frizzy curly hair that gave me away LOL!!NOT 
Anyways what could it hurt, if anything they could teach me how to do my hair and dress well. Lets just say the rest is history. 

Because after that my parents signed me up for modeling classes. Very awkward at first but they taught me how to walk and stand like the proper model. To stand with confidence in the clothes I would wear. Then on Saturdays we'd have runway shows at the mall showing their latest new clothing designs. I'd walk the catwalk to some techno fusion type music...icky 
Can anyone say terrified!! 
Completely out of my comfort zone I was!
But I did it. And I felt proud to have overcome my fears.
Then came getting an Agent, photographer, going to modeling gigs you get the picture. It takes a lot of time and money to invest in something like that. My parents sacrificed a lot of there time to get me to all my events and photo shoots. 

And it did change me. I walked with more confidence. I felt proud of what I was doing too. 
And then came public high school. I would have to miss some days of school for photo shoots or modeling gigs. And of course I was fine with it until other kids found out..Yes cue in the MEAN GIRLS.. Yep there out there folks!
All of a sudden things changed for me. Older girls would make fun of 
the way I would walk and would say hurtful things to me as I walked down the halls. Sadly I started to feel ashamed about modeling. I would lie when I had to miss school now and hide the fact i was modeling at all.
I pulled away from modeling all together soon after. Not because I didn't enjoy it but because I so desperately wanted to be liked. I didn't want to stand out. 

Now listen I am only sharing all this because of a few reasons.
One I did not realize i was so ashamed of talking about my modeling days and still was until recently.

Two my children like the smart sweet kids that they are, brought it to attention not so long ago. My ever so proud daddy showed them all my old modeling pictures. They wondered why I never told them I had done that. I kind of shied away. Embarrassed. Ashamed.. Ahh really:(

And then came a conversation i had with my husband about something that i was hurt about. It sounded petty in the grand scheme of things. Not like me at all to let something like that hurt me so much. 
I had to pray 
deeply about it this.
There is wound there and it has to be dealt with. 

So here's what God showed me
In my fear of being disliked and unlovable I have hidden away my beauty.
There is said it. That was hard to say.
Now I am not talking about outward beauty as I'm really talking about my
 presence. 
ME being ME.
Letting others deal with the weight of who I am.
Not shying away.
Being confident in the beautiful woman of god he has created me to be.
God has been wanting me to let go of my fears in every area of my life.
And this fear is a strong one. 
One that I made a agreement too when I was just a girl.

The addiction to wanting to be liked is strong and deadly to your spirit.
It can robe you of so much joy. Of being authentic and truly loving yourself.

I can't worry that maybe I make women uncomfortable, 
insecure, worry that I'm unapproachable. 
What can I do to make her like me more? 
How come they aren't supportive and encourage me like they do her? 
What am I missing?
Blah Blah Blah..these awful doubtful questions can go on and on
If my goal becomes about being liked by everyone I miss out on what God really wants to do through me.
Its just not possible for everyone to like me!

Joyce Meyer said something about this 
"Statistics say that 10% of all people won't like us, so let's enjoy the 90% that do and stop worrying about the 10% that don't!"

The enemy creeps in and tells you lies about yourself & worth. But I find 
that he does the most damage through our doubts of what we think so and so might think of you that causes the most damage.
Listen I stopped modeling just so girls would be my friends again. This is sad mostly because this kind of behavior starts young for women i think.

This deep desire to be liked. To be included. To be oh so very nice to everyone.
Geez
God doesn't want me chasing the approval of Men(women)
He wants me to place my heart & my trust & my eyes on him.
He wants to heal my broken places.
And over the years I've heard many women talk of this kind of fear. 
I just never realized how strong it was in ME.

So if this fear, 
this addiction to be liked has you hiding in the shadows. 
To not say to much. Telling you not to shine.
Claim with me the victory that is there and available to you!!
You are a daughter or son of a Mighty King and he already came and won the victory to set you free from any bondage here on earth.
And free we are indeed!!

Because if he can heal and change me I know he can for you too. 
I'm not anymore special than you are.
What I wear or look like. 
How holy I may seem to appear.
Does not make Gods love for me any bigger or greater than it is for you.
This year I'm going to be praying and believing that he will do this for those who need healing of this kind in their lives too!!

Paul the apostle said it best.."If I must boast, I will boast about things that show how weak I am.
...for when I am weak I am strong!"-2Cor.11 v.30 12v.9-12

If anyone wants to talk about this with me or have me praying and believing with them for victory in this area feel free to message me. Leave me your email. I would love to encourage & pray with you!!

P.S. So yes Once Upon A Time this girl was a Model and she loved it. That season has passed and thank god I will never have to walk a catwalk again:)
Many thanks to my Mommy & Daddy you believed I was a better model than I probably ever was:))


with much love, this girls journey

10 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Thank you Elisha, i hope and pray this touched your life in some way:)))

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  2. Wow, Christy. This post is AMAZING! I know I tell you this all the time when I home, but you are one of the MOST beautiful women I have ever met. (inside&out)... and I will never forget how you met Josh Hartnett at a modeling place. LOL!! :)

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  3. LOVE LOVE LOVE this, Chris!! You are such an inspiration to me & so many others! I'm so proud to say that I've seen your modeling pics! I love you so much!

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    1. Cousin chels you inspire me too sweetheart!

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  4. Um. Hi. My name is Beka and I am a photographer that would take your picture anytime. I love your spirit and we always say it... but yes......

    "I THINK YOU ARE 1 OF THE MOST GENUINE/SWEET people I have ever met.!!!! "

    I love you and thank you for being such a sweet friend to me!

    xoxoxo

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    Replies
    1. Lol beka!! You are a great photographer for sure:) Glad your in my life too!

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  5. What a beautifully raw post. It is so easy to allow the opinions and remarks of others to tear down the person that God created and designed us to be. God knows all the hairs on our heads and He created us exactly as we are...and He loves exactly who we are. With that, comes the utter and most wonderful confidence in the world. :)

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  6. Erin you are wonderful!! Thank you for your encouragement I have already felt so much inspiration and so much blessing from your blog and comments!! Happy to have you along for my journey:))

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