Monday, February 11, 2013

Motherhood diaries

"So do you get out much? What do you do?"
Recently i was asked this question that set me back a just took me by surprise really, and for many reasons.

I know I am a MOM with 4 kiddos, a wife to my best friend & lover James. And that's a huge part of who I am & a huge part of my "job" so to speak. But all of this is not all of what makes me me. I am also a follower of Jesus. I love him more each day! I am a daughter to wonderful loving parents that have made the biggest impact on my life. So thankful they raised me the way they did and all that they have done and sacrificed for me and my brother growing up.
I am a friend and my hope is that i encourage and make the women around me feel loved and treasured by not just me but also help them see how their heavenly father loves them..yes that's my prayer for countless women & myself included. That's also a huge part of my job:)

So why did this question bother me so much???
It could be because i haven't had anyone ask me that question in awhile. And not like that anyways. It was not asked in a "so what are you up too or whats new with you kind of way?" No it was implied in the way of "So do you even get out much and get to drive? What do you do?

I was like "Say what?!!!! I mean come on I am a mom of four kids dude! Seriously what do i do?!! (insert rolling my eyes here and snapping my fingers in their face with all kinds of bad attitude;)
I wish i could still do that and not feel regret later for loosing my temper.
And honestly I knew in those moments after i was asked those questions i had two choices i could get sassy and tell them all about my accomplishments how busy I am and list of all the things that fill my day. How huge was this temptation for me? BIG. I wanted to prove my worth. I wanted to tell them things to think more of me because apparently to them my stay at home role seemed rather lazy and not contributing to the work force & society as a whole. It just made me plain sad people.
Or i could take the higher road the one i wish to take more often.

So there I sit in the back of my van holding little Violets hand as she sings "habby Birtday tuu me.." the cutest thing evaaahh!!! and i look down at her and Jesus just came to me in that moment and said "you'll never regret it, you are mine she is mine you are doing the most important life changing world changing "job" that is & that could ever be assigned to you. Don't let this person steal your joy." 

I wanted to cry my eyes out right then. I knew i had a choice that was going to be crucial to my growth as a woman. How will i respond to this?
Here's what i said "you know what the kids are getting older I'm busy with raising them running around with all their activities and of course get to raise this precious baby girl too... and i finished it with "I don't think anyone ever looked back on raising their kids and wished they had worked more, not stayed home or thought they were to available to their kids as they were raising them."

That was so hard. Because what i really wanted to say because of my insecure emotions pouring out of my pores was "I do this and this and this and i make money doing this and this  and on and on was my list of how awesome I'd like you to think i am now.. so take that!..
But what would i gain from that?
Nothing..nothing at all. "Don't cast your pearls before swine right?"
Dreams i do have and the ones that are in the waiting season of my life I talk about with my hubby. I pray over them and I'm waiting on God and when the season is right I will be ready to go forward in it..I have learned that some dreams are best kept treasured and prayed over and not to blast full speed ahead telling everyone i meet about them.

And i love this person really i do! I know they love our family too but they have a different view on parenting and our family life. In their eyes I should work too, I get it some people just feel that way and they have every right to raise their family that way. But I did the whole work full time then part time for a little while when my jasmine was 2 through 4 years old and i have always regretted leaving her for money that was never worth it enough and validation so i could say well I do this_____ when they ask the almighty question "so what do you do?"

 When my children are all older my season in parenting will change again and God willing I'll have more time to work and pursue my other passions more fully. But until then i choose to be present in this season and enjoy these precious moments i have with my kids.

Us mamas, whether we work at home or outside of the home, we "DO" a lot! We go without sleep for many moons, we go without pay, without titles and recognition most times for all we do for our little families. Some of us have to leave our babies at daycare to work and thats also hard for us. The balancing act of providing and nurturing our families is a tough job for tough women. We have to be tough for we unfortunately are judged for every decision we make as a mom sometimes by our peers, society, media it all tries to influence us to change, to keep up, to be better. Tough to be sure.

All of us have dreams too whether we are married, married with kids or in the single season of our lives. We all are in a unique seasons that require us at times to be patient in our dreams and goals. Different seasons of our lives give us more or less time for our personal interest especially when your a mom and no matter how many kids you have we all have a lot to juggle... And yet it is the most rewarding thing I know i have ever had the privilege of doing.
I know my kids have been blessed by me staying at home with them and it has made a huge difference in their little characters forming and their development. They also get to see me pursuing my dreams and goals too and I've shared that with them, they get to be apart of my journey. But they also know where i stand on it, to never have it coming between me being present for them and my family as whole. Because they are a priority to me which makes pursuing somethings go at a slower pace and really that's ok with me. Its when I question and doubt my worth around others, that i am tempted to want to show off and explain my worth and role. Pride can be a ugly thing in those moments and i have to come to Jesus in them for clarity and peace..more peace please:)

No matter what season of life your in Love your story! Don't let anyones opinions or questions about you define or discourage you not to live in this moment of your life.
Your story matters whether you get married, have kids, work at some amazing career or not. None of that should define you. But your story and how you choose to live it out does. Remember that:)

"God has had it with the proud, but takes delight in just plain people. So be content with who you are, and don't put on airs. God's strong hand is on you; he'll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you." 1 Peter 5:5-7 The Message

God bless you & yours!

1 comment:

  1. I couldn't have said it better! I love the part about pearls before swine. So true! Thank you for sharing this. ❤❤❤