Tuesday, October 4, 2016

A journey to healing and keeping the faith through it all

What if the hard the bad and the heartbreaking ugly didn’t need us to hide it. Because hiding sucks and it is exhausting and lonely hiding. In the hiding is where the gremlins live and the mean voices whispers lie to us.
Maybe we need to share it. Say it out loud and acknowledge the hard thing or season so we can begin to heal.
I have started to believe these last few years that in the sharing when done in a healthy way, can help us heal and encourage those around you. They could have walked through the very same thing or even still are. I think in time the pain lessens even. It gets a little easier to lay down whatever has held you back in the hard season when we talk about it.
This isn’t always easy to do.
I wish I could say I’ve dealt with the heartbreaking conflict these past 7 months in the best way. I wish I didn’t react out of hurt or rejection for myself or my hurting family but that would be lying to you. I did the best I could and I truly want to believe everyone else does too when they are hurting. We only do better when we know better and sometimes even then we choose the wrong thing.  So much happened this year which I won’t go into here completely because it's not a story that only involves me but many people and a whole lot of heartache. And I want to honor that. I realize that we all see a story and heartbreak or pain from our own personal narrative. With that in mind, I am writing again and sharing what only God can do. A journey to healing and finding faith through it all.
It's all new now. So much newness it left me with anxiety and stone cold fear for awhile. I didn't know who I could talk to and how to really navigate this with not only my hurt feelings but our kids. The end of so many relationships in a community of people we did life with for 6 years and with some we have known our whole lives. I felt a lot of unfairness was going on and the silent side taking rejection stung so badly. It's so easy to give into the "feelings" and the desire to have justice served, right? It's very easy to hold onto unforgiveness when we live here from this place for too long. I found myself fearing a run in with so and so and making route changes just so I wouldn't have to feel the hurt or the loss of it all. But then a few months ago I realized how much God didn't want me to run from any of it. He wants me (us) to heal. He wants us to trust him completely and fully give over every detail of our pain and disappointment. And the healing really couldn't come until we forgave. Again and again and again. The healing begins when we let go of being RIGHT or wanting JUSTICE right now. When we release our hurt from our tight grip and say I know God. I know you got this and nothing I do or think I can say will change hearts. But my heart, my heart I believe you can change. You can and will make me new and help me forgive.
 I started reading Uninvited by Lysa Terkeurst a little while ago and so many things that I read were life-giving and much-needed truths that I needed to hear. When she talked about dealing with rejection and hurt feelings in our lives she said " If we give it power to define us, it will haunt us long-term. But if we only allow it enough power to refine us, the hurt will give way to healing."
Ain't that the truth!! She also shares this, "The enemy loves to take our rejection and twist it into a raw, irrational fear that God really doesn't have a good plan for us. This fear is a corrupting companion. It replaces the truths we've trusted with hopeless lies. Satan knows what consumes us controls us. Therefore the more consumed we are with rejection, the more he can control our emotions, our thinking, and our actions."-Lysa Terkeurst

I feared rejection for a lot of my life in friendships in my marriage in taking a step of faith it was a real struggle for me. And for most of the 6 years being apart of a church that I felt I actually didn’t belong to I can say that I see I had a problem. I was afraid to go elsewhere or not have my kids at a Christian school like everyone else for fear of their judgment and being outcasted. The fear of man sucks it can make you live a life of pretend and bondage. I can see that for us it was our reality for so long and we made all kinds of excuses to stay. Until something happened that was like the ultimate red flag, slap you in the face listen up kind of thing.
 It became so clear to us then but it was still hard and heartbreaking to leave. Even when you know its the right thing to do.
If you are like me at all in the area of people pleasing or fear of rejection and I GET IT. Letting people down, making decisions like this can be so hard!
The more you practice lying this down and asking yourself the right questions I think it gets easier to say no. It gets easier to say your BEST YES to others and to yourself. 
But if I’m going to be truly honest with you I think that what happened to us and our family needed to happen because I don’t know if we would have left otherwise. That's just the truth we needed a push.

Has there been things that have happened in your life too that you know without a doubt it leads you or pushed you to change? A change perhaps you avoided with everything in you. 
If you feel this way about your church right now or community you are a part of then something might be wrong. Because I believe we absolutely need community with people! Just as you are. 
Get some good counsel from someone you trust. Go with your gut instinct too, if something doesn’t feel right and doesn’t align with what God has shown you to be true to his heart and his word then question it.  
If you feel you have to strive to be a certain person or pretend around them THEY ARE NOT YOUR PEOPLE! It may be time to find the EXIT sign and pray about where god really wants you to be.

BE BRAVE my friend your people are out there! I have so much hope now for what the future has for my family and that's not to say this has not been hard because it has. 
A new school for all our kids this year so many adjustments that were a hard thing but it is getting better.
We now attend a new church and we are awkwardly slightly broken-hearted people making new friends. It has been a place of healing for us a safe place to share and serve if  we want to or can. No pressure and we have so needed that. We are not doing it perfectly but we are trying and hoping that in this new season God helps us heal and grow more in him. That we can learn from our mistakes and our eyes would be opened to not only our dysfunction in our past but also how we could have done it differently. Goodness, I  want to learn from this. This hard uncomfortable season I want to learn from you not retreat and wave my victim banner. God knows how easy I can do that. If this is similar to your story or your past I am hoping and praying with you. I believe there is a NEW season up ahead but let's learn as much as we can while we are here. Let's come along each other and believe and hope for greater things ahead. Hold onto Gods truths together. 


xo-Aligna

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